The A Team

As Alfonso and I walk forward and try to figure out what our new "normal" is, we are continually reminded and amazed by God's Grace and how powerful it has been since losing Isaac and how God's Grace continues to carry us as we fumble our way through life. Our Life and emotions are still very up and down. I know in my head that this is normal for what we've been through and where we are, but my heart questions this and misses the even keeled days of past. We have many days of happiness, peace, and days where things seem normal again. We are thankful for these days that the Lord blesses us with. Then, there are days that sadness is present and just seems to come crashing in when we least expect it. It is easy for me to enjoy and cherish the days that are "normal". However, I am learning to cherish and learn from the sad days.

Last night, I was up rereading one of my favorite books (From Grief to Glory: Spiritual Journeys of Mourning Parents) and found this quote that I really loved back in October. To this day, it is the best way to communicate the ups and downs of my life.

Real grief is not easily comforted. It comes like ocean waves rushing up the sand, subsiding back, only to roll in again. These waves vary in size, frequency, and intensity. Some are small, lapping up around your feet. Others are stronger, they foam the water around you and cause you to stagger. Then there are the overwhelming waves with an undertow that can turn your world upside down and drag you out into the deep water. In times such as those, the mourner desperately needs an anchor. And, indeed, God has promised his people a blessing if they patiently endure. He has guaranteed the promise so that we might lay hold of the hope set before us. This hope is the anchor of the soul, and it is sure and steadfast.

So the last few days have been really hard for me. My heart hurts and misses my boy. I am overwhelmed with all kinds of crazy emotions. It always sneaks up on me. I am learning to rest in God's strength and Grace during these times of intense emotion and trust Him as my anchor and hope. So tonight, I am praising God that He alone is my anchor even when I am sad and feel out of control emotionally.

The pain is deep and intense, however, God's grace is still greater and deeper than I can ever imagine!

Hebrews 6:19

Posted in: on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at at 10:14 PM 0 comments  

It is summertime and I am done with school. This year, I have an extra sense of freedom because........I really am free, I resigned from teaching!!!!! Yep, that means I will not be returning to Berkman elementary in the fall. I have to admit that I have mixed emotions about my decision, but overall, I have peace in knowing that it is the best decision for me physically, emotionally and professionally at this time.

So, that leaves me with lots of time to do....whatever I want! :) Actually, I have been pretty busy just trying to organize our life at home and taking care of boring things like dentist visits and other not so fun things that are necessary in life. This is the first summer in over 5 years that I am not having surgery or in extreme pain, so I am thrilled to have the time to catch up on life at home-painting, restaining furniture, landscaping. I am also looking forward to swimming, the YMCA, getting in shape, cooking, and spending time catching up with friends.

This decision to not teach next year leaves me and Alfonso in the middle of a lot of unknowns, or as we like to call it, "the hallway of life." Alfonso is currently looking for Assistant Principal jobs and I am looking for part time/full time work that is less stressful than teaching. It feels like we have been in the "hallway" of life almost every year of our eight years of marriage, meaning that we don't know where we will be the next year or what Alfonso will be doing. I can say with greater faith than in the first years of our marriage, that God will provide as he has so many times before. So we continue to trust in God, who is Jehovah-jireh (The Lord that provides) and Jehovah-shalom (The Lord is Peace). One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 77. Asaph is the author. The psalm starts out by expressing his pain and grief to God. I love that he so honestly and overtly cries out to God in his distress. Alfonso and I definitely identify to the depths of our souls with the words of anguish and grief that Asaph uses. But, in the second half of the psalm, Asaph changes his focus from the present circumstance, to a song of remembrance and praise. So from this example, Alfonso and I are remembering the miracles and works of the Lord. We are praising Him for how He has provided in the past, and we are trusting Him for how He will provide this summer for our needs. Beautiful Psalm! After reading this psalm, it always makes me want to sing songs of praise.

I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused an my spirit inquired:
"Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

Then I thought, "to this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
With your might arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind.
Your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Psalm 77

Posted in: on Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at at 9:00 PM 0 comments