The A Team

Well, a lot has happened since I've posted last. Alfonso and I decided to do another cycle with the remaining two embryos during the month of September. So I drugged myself up with lovely hormones and we prayed. Our transfer day was September 23. As we were pulling into the parking lot for the procedure, the embryologist called to let us know that our embryos had not survived the thawing process. We knew (in our minds) there was a good chance the embryos would not survive this process, but this news was so devastating to hear (to our hearts). So we went home:(

So I guess we are back to square one. We don't have any answers as to what we will do next. We don't know if we will know anytime soon. We do know that God is asking us to be patient and to trust His good plans for our family. So easy to type, yet so hard to live out on a daily basis. We are so grateful for His grace and strength.

The day before the transfer, God reminded me of Psalm 91:1-2. I remember reading it and thinking, "Yes, this is a good verse...but certainly Lord, I will get pregnant this time, right? I know I'll trust you in other things, but this trusting you for a baby will end." But God knew what the next day would hold. So of course, when things didn't go as planned, this was the first verse that came to my mind and I have been clinging to it ever since. When my heart hurts so deeply and I have no words, no answers and don't know what to do, I love to put myself in this verse and picture The Most High holding me as I rest in the shadow of the Almighty, I love to see myself in God's refuge, fortress.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1-2

Posted in: on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 at at 1:47 PM 1 comments  

Well, we got the much anticipated news this afternoon, and we are not pregnant. We are of course sad and hurting. We don't know what is next, but will continue to trust God by faith for our future. We will have to make some decisions in the next day or so about whether to try right away again or wait. Please pray for God's wisdom and discernment as we figure out what's next.

Even though we are hurting deeply and we don't understand or like all of this, I keep thinking about a few words that have been on my mind this summer. God brings these words to mind often and I know he is using His word and these words to bring peace and hopefully understanding, during this time. Surrender, Praise and hope. (More on these words another day) :)

I found out the news right before going into jury selection today. Thankfully, I was able to hold it together in front of 60 strangers. On a good note, After almost 5 hours of blah, blah, blah, I was not chosen to be on the jury. :)

Posted in: on Monday, August 30, 2010 at at 7:58 PM 5 comments  

One of the nice things about IVF is the potential to have left over embryos that can be frozen for later use. Alfonso and I were blessed to be able to freeze three embryos.

We are excited to tell you that we are about to under go an embryo transfer. I have such a wide range of emotions as we move through this process. Mostly, I am excited and hopeful. At the same time, I am fearful or anxious of the "what ifs" of another pregnancy. Those "What ifs" of life can kill you and definitely steal any joy and peace for the moment, so I am praying and trying to take things one day at a time.

The transfer will be on Saturday, August 21st at 11am. Then I will "rest" at home for a few days. 9 days later, we will find out if we are pregnant! Sounds so simple, huh? Well, it has been a lot less complicated than last time (minus all the hormones I've been shoving down for the past 3 weeks) :)

We really appreciate all of you...your friendships, love and prayers. We are truly honored and blessed to have such great family and friends who are walking alongside us in this journey.
Please pray for a successful transfer and a positive pregnancy test. Please pray with us for God's will and glory in this process. He is a God that we can trust....So Here we go!

Posted in: on Friday, August 20, 2010 at at 9:23 AM 7 comments  

As Alfonso and I walk forward and try to figure out what our new "normal" is, we are continually reminded and amazed by God's Grace and how powerful it has been since losing Isaac and how God's Grace continues to carry us as we fumble our way through life. Our Life and emotions are still very up and down. I know in my head that this is normal for what we've been through and where we are, but my heart questions this and misses the even keeled days of past. We have many days of happiness, peace, and days where things seem normal again. We are thankful for these days that the Lord blesses us with. Then, there are days that sadness is present and just seems to come crashing in when we least expect it. It is easy for me to enjoy and cherish the days that are "normal". However, I am learning to cherish and learn from the sad days.

Last night, I was up rereading one of my favorite books (From Grief to Glory: Spiritual Journeys of Mourning Parents) and found this quote that I really loved back in October. To this day, it is the best way to communicate the ups and downs of my life.

Real grief is not easily comforted. It comes like ocean waves rushing up the sand, subsiding back, only to roll in again. These waves vary in size, frequency, and intensity. Some are small, lapping up around your feet. Others are stronger, they foam the water around you and cause you to stagger. Then there are the overwhelming waves with an undertow that can turn your world upside down and drag you out into the deep water. In times such as those, the mourner desperately needs an anchor. And, indeed, God has promised his people a blessing if they patiently endure. He has guaranteed the promise so that we might lay hold of the hope set before us. This hope is the anchor of the soul, and it is sure and steadfast.

So the last few days have been really hard for me. My heart hurts and misses my boy. I am overwhelmed with all kinds of crazy emotions. It always sneaks up on me. I am learning to rest in God's strength and Grace during these times of intense emotion and trust Him as my anchor and hope. So tonight, I am praising God that He alone is my anchor even when I am sad and feel out of control emotionally.

The pain is deep and intense, however, God's grace is still greater and deeper than I can ever imagine!

Hebrews 6:19

Posted in: on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at at 10:14 PM 0 comments  

It is summertime and I am done with school. This year, I have an extra sense of freedom because........I really am free, I resigned from teaching!!!!! Yep, that means I will not be returning to Berkman elementary in the fall. I have to admit that I have mixed emotions about my decision, but overall, I have peace in knowing that it is the best decision for me physically, emotionally and professionally at this time.

So, that leaves me with lots of time to do....whatever I want! :) Actually, I have been pretty busy just trying to organize our life at home and taking care of boring things like dentist visits and other not so fun things that are necessary in life. This is the first summer in over 5 years that I am not having surgery or in extreme pain, so I am thrilled to have the time to catch up on life at home-painting, restaining furniture, landscaping. I am also looking forward to swimming, the YMCA, getting in shape, cooking, and spending time catching up with friends.

This decision to not teach next year leaves me and Alfonso in the middle of a lot of unknowns, or as we like to call it, "the hallway of life." Alfonso is currently looking for Assistant Principal jobs and I am looking for part time/full time work that is less stressful than teaching. It feels like we have been in the "hallway" of life almost every year of our eight years of marriage, meaning that we don't know where we will be the next year or what Alfonso will be doing. I can say with greater faith than in the first years of our marriage, that God will provide as he has so many times before. So we continue to trust in God, who is Jehovah-jireh (The Lord that provides) and Jehovah-shalom (The Lord is Peace). One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 77. Asaph is the author. The psalm starts out by expressing his pain and grief to God. I love that he so honestly and overtly cries out to God in his distress. Alfonso and I definitely identify to the depths of our souls with the words of anguish and grief that Asaph uses. But, in the second half of the psalm, Asaph changes his focus from the present circumstance, to a song of remembrance and praise. So from this example, Alfonso and I are remembering the miracles and works of the Lord. We are praising Him for how He has provided in the past, and we are trusting Him for how He will provide this summer for our needs. Beautiful Psalm! After reading this psalm, it always makes me want to sing songs of praise.

I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused an my spirit inquired:
"Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

Then I thought, "to this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
With your might arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind.
Your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Psalm 77

Posted in: on Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at at 9:00 PM 0 comments  

Remembering You on Mother’s Day
by Jana Spigener

No little hugs or kisses to wake me on this morn.
No special cards or roses sent my way.
Bittersweet feelings, at least a thousand tears;
Quietly, I celebrated you this day.

I am not like the others,
Though I still wear the name.
I cannot hold you in my arms,
But I love you just the same.

I knelt beside your resting place,
Though I knew you were not there.
I prayed to God in Heaven;
I found peace in knowing, sweet child,
you’re in His care.

When I see a mother with her baby,
My heart breaks in two;
But never would I trade this pain
If it meant there had not been you.

At times I feel I cannot go on—
Living this life without you.
Yet hidden behind my deepest grief
There is joy unexplainably true.

For my daughter you will always be
a blessing from above.
Your brief existence has bestowed on me
a name I cherish dear.
And although this day is not what I imagined it would be,
I will treasure it because of you—
MY FIRST MOTHER’S DAY.

I love this poem and appreciate the writer for having the talent to put what I am often feeling into an eloquent poem.

Isaac, My sweet Son, I'm praising God for you and thanking God for the joy and purpose you have brought me.

Posted in: on Saturday, May 8, 2010 at at 8:47 PM 2 comments  

February 9, 2010 was to be our son Isaac's due date.

Over the last couple of months and especially over the last couple of weeks we both have been anticipating this day. How would we feel? What would we do? Would we feel happy or sad? We decided to take off work today and spend some time together reflecting on Isaac's short life and supporting one another. We got up this morning and ate breakfast at Kirby Lane cafe. Aubrey ordered bacon in honor of Isaac....that was her #1 craving when she was pregnant. After breakfast we headed to visit Isaac at the cemetery. On the way over we stopped at Target and bought him a little toy football and a mini stuffed Golden Retriever. It was a very bitter sweet time at the cemetery today. We spent time taking pictures and comforting each other. Isaac is buried in such a beautiful place!

God's grace has been very present for both of us since we lost Isaac. Though there has been many days of great sadness and even feelings of anger, we rest in the hope that is in Jesus Christ. What gives us great joy is that Isaac is one of the truly blessed....a chosen one in a sense. We believe that because of Jesus and His sacrifice that Isaac is now in that great place that we all long for. Every good parent wants what is best for their children. And every christian parent prays for the day when their child will place their faith in Jesus and secure their salvation. Isaac is there! He is in Heaven! Isaac is also blessed because he never has to feel the sadness, pain, suffering, anxiety, and emptiness of this world. Since we lost Isaac, I can't help but think about what he looks like and what he is experiencing today. Every Sunday at church while we sing worship, I have a clear image that comes into my head of Isaac worshiping God. This gives me great joy and comfort. Even more, I long for THAT day when we will see our Isaac and spend eternity with him.

Posted in: on Tuesday, February 9, 2010 at at 3:55 PM 2 comments